Graphically Speaking: Depressing Pixar sequels

Pixar movies have become a summer tradition. While most of them are undisputed masterpieces, I found their latest offering, Brave, to be…crap-tacular. It started out as a spirited adventure with a plucky heroine, then quickly became “My Mother, the Bear.” Yeah, that’s a minor spoiler, but the movie was such a letdown, I don’t even care. By the end, I was so dejected by Pixar, the studio whose track record hovers around “impeccable,” I reached a cynical conclusion while talking it over with a friend:

Me: “This movie would have been a lot more interesting if the bear just ATE somebody. Just housed someone, you know?”
My friend: “There’s something wrong with you.”

Of course that would never happen, but it got me thinking. Pixar movies have been pretty dark lately. Toy Story 3 is still one of the saddest movies I’ve ever seen. It’s one of 3 movies I’ve ever cried while watching (I’m not a big movie crier. Pixar has challenged me multiple times and they finally broke me in the summer of 2010.).

Death, abandonment, loss, even global warming have been major themes in their films lately. I started to wonder: what if Pixar films continued to get darker? What deranged sequels can we look forward to?

(Spoilers ahead. We’re talking about potential sequels, here)

Up: As Carl Frederiksen got older, so did Doug the dog. When he passed on (in another beautiful wordless montage), Carl and Russell were divided. Russell found acceptance with a gang, only to be killed during an initiation: drinking grape soda until he burst. Embittered, and with nothing to lose, Carl turns into a vigilante who takes out the gang members one by one with a balloon pump he’s weaponized. He finally decides to fly off into the sunset on his blimp…on the way to that diner with the pie. Oh, did I mention he will be voiced by Clint Eastwood this time around? Assuming he doesn’t sue, of course.

Cars: In an age where Halliburton is synonymous with “Weyland-Utani,” what would happen to our (your…er, somebody’s) favorite characters when all the oil runs out? A post-apocalyptic demolition derby, that’s what. Imagine The Road Warrior where EVERYONE is a car. And, uh, nobody’s an anti-semite. Come to think of it, I think I’d actually pay to see this.

Ratatouille: Does anyone realize that movie ended with rats running a restaurant? Sentient rats. Making food. As if this could result in anything other than a zombie plague. Maybe with a concept like that, we can get Patton Oswalt back.

WALL-E: The Matrix.

Posted on August 6, 2012 at 20:06 by Lowell Greenblatt · Permalink
In: Uncategorized