Your Favorite Cartoons! If they sucked!

Well, it looks like the Michael Bay-produced “Ninja Turtles” reboot (is there a more horrifying way to start a sentence?) has hit a dead end in the development stage. It’s not much of a surprise considering the purported change in the turtles’ origins. I guess Bay never watched the insanely-popular 80’s cartoon, which repeated the title “Teenage MUTANT Ninja Turtles.”

If Bay came across a script about humanoid turtles from space that kick ass, hey, maybe I’d give it a shot. Why, that sounds just like my beloved childhood cartoon, except instead of mutants, aliens! Wowzers! But the fact that he had to piggyback it onto a beloved (if juvenile) franchise shows just how little faith he had in the project. Just imagine if a few other beloved cartoons were overhauled to such a degree…

Ani-Sociopaths: Yakko, Wakko and Dot were your favorite (only) Animaniacs. Oh how they scampered around the WB lot acting goofy and running amok. Well, let’s make the chaos a little more real. What if Yakko locked the security guard in the tower just to toy with his claustrophobia? What if Wakko never took the bologna out of his pants because he wants attention? Hey, maybe Dot’s alter ego of Princess Angelina Contesa Louisa Francesca Banana-Fanna Bo Besca III is in fact a murderous alternate personality developed over years of parental neglect. That’s edgy, right? Don’t EVEN get me started on Slappy Squirrel.

Pinky & The Thyroid
: Instead of partnering a dumbass Australian mouse with a megolomanical counterpart, let’s make “the Brain” fat. Just really fat. So many kids have obesity these days, let’s give them a pudgy avatar to relate to.

I.R.S. Kats: There’s no point in calling them S.W.A.T. Kats if they don’t even have riot gear. Let’s make them auditors. Those guys play for keeps.

R.O.T.C. Joe: Okay, instead of a badass cadre of soldiers with codenames and gadgets and shit, try this: Joe, a college student determined to enlist his peers at Abbie Hoffman University in the military. If only the hippies would take a pamphlet! His nemesis is Destro Berkowitz, a rich nebbish from the Upper East Side who’s experimenting with veganism…and bioterrorism! Cameo potential for Dennis Haskins as Cobra Commander, the school’s volleyball coach.

Biker Mice From Mars…wait…

Posted on July 2, 2012 at 21:03 by Lowell Greenblatt · Permalink
In: Uncategorized